Even though we were never friends, we still had much to discuss.
I didn't know how I would react when I saw you.
Thank you for putting my demons to rest.
I felt nothing towards you- this pretty, talkative girl.
All I felt was calm, and concern when I heard about the direction your life was heading (linguistics major with no future?)
No attraction.
I was sincerely afraid that I would still have feelings for you. You have persistently haunted my thoughts for at least 1/3 of my life. But seeing your face again, hearing your voice again, I felt nothing. It made me wonder why I liked you so much. Maybe it was adolescent infatuation- the sly glances, the noncommittal snatches of conversation. We never did sit down and talk as real people, real friends should. It was all just in our heads. Thank you for putting those ghosts to rest.
While talking to you, hearing about your life- all I could think about was how pretty Liana is, how wonderful she is; how much I love her. How she is so much more alive. Liana grabbed life by the balls and is having the time of her life. She suffers, she cries- but she pushes through. She works her sexy butt off because she knows there is a silver lining- there is fun and hope in the end. Her hope, her strength has never wavered. She believes in herself, she believes in people. She trusts them, and they reward her honesty and her trust. She is living.
What happened Sam?
Why did you throw your life away?
Why did you throw your potential away?
Why did you waste one year in CS, only to find out that it was hard and give up. (yes i know you started hating it, that it wasn't interesting- but that happens with every major, you just have to keep chugging alone).
Why did you spurn Tony and his help?
Do you not know how much Tony loved you- how much he wanted to talk to you, to help you, to be a part of your life?
It's all over now, you will graduate in December- and a new chapter in your life will start.
I hope you pull yourself up, find a good job- maybe go to grad school- and find that special someone.
I'm a hypocrite yes. I have trust issues. I naturally view everyone as an enemy. I don't think people will ever pull through for me. Maybe it was easier for me to be distant from everyone. To never really involve myself in my friends. Just wander from group to group, leeching enough interaction to stay satisfied. Never fulling trusting, never fully trusted.
That isn't living.
I don't want that anymore.
A special girl showed that to me. The power of love, hope and forgiveness. I can never repay her for her kindness. So I will live. I won't let her hope for me be wasted. I will expose my heart, my soul to the world. Some will judge it and find it unworthy. But I hope some will find its touch- and join with me- and produce happy stories. I will open my heart- I will give up everything I have. All the barriers of lies, deceit, and mistrust. All those walls. I tear you down. I will give my self to the world, and hope it responds in kind. Even through failures, I will keep on chugging. Because one person showed me the way. It is worth it to brave through all the evil, all the indecency in this world- just to find someone you can call a friend. Even when she is gone, and is nothing but a memory, I will remember her. As my savior. As the person who was so pure, so trusting, that she can pull the darkness out of me- envelop me in her arms of light and tell me that its going to be alright, that I can learn to trust and love again.
Thank you Liana Lo. I will always love you.
(I am crying, even now I try to stop myself, thinking it is weak, and shameful. NO. This is love. This is hope. These are tears of repent. Tears of a new life. A new start. Let the tears flow)
Artemis Enterri:
You are a fictional character in the world of Icewind Dale. You are the polar opposite of Drizzit Do'urden- the dark elf. You who faced the cutthroat, bloodthirsty streets of Calimport, and emerged victorious- as the most lethal, ruthless, evil, efficient assassin. You, who spent 40 years of your life honing your skills of death and deceit. You believed yourself to be evil, to be selfish. That nothing can touch you. Then you met the dark elf ranger- who was so good, so full of compassion. He changed you. You don't know what you have been doing with your whole life. All those assassinations, all those unneeded deaths. For what? For survival? For gold? For prestige.
So now you face me and tell me. "I was young and angry. I wanted wealth and power. So I chose the quickest path. But now I am old, and I'm not as anxious, not as fiery as before. Time has dulled my quickfire. Time has taught me patience."
You use your 4 decades of lethal skills to build civilization again. You build a house from the dirt, and you save the poor from the wealthy. You teach defense to the weak, and humbleness to the strong.
You turn to me again, "I will never understand why the poor stay poor. They all blame it on circumstance, on God, on their parents, on society. I look upon them with pity. As long as a man tries, as long as he isn't lazy, he will get what he desires. Nothing in life that is worth having is easy."
So Artemis Enterri- homeless boy ruffian- self-risen assassin and now respected mayor- I salute you. And to you Drizzit Do'urden, I salute you- for your love, your compassion and self sacrifice- for your endless hope to change others and save them from themselves.
To you both, I give my thanks, for guiding me- for your words of wisdom. I turned a deaf ear, till now. But now a real life person had given voice to your words.
Liana Lo.
I am young.
I am foolish.
I am unworthy.
Thank you for saving me.
I probably still need you, but I believe I am strong enough to stand on my own.
So fly away little bird.
Fly away and spread your song of hope, trust and love to others.
Bring peace and joy to this world, and warm the heart fires of those around you.
I will always love and remember you.
But you are free.
Time.
The young make mistakes.
They learn.
I have been educated.
I have been saved.
I have loved.
I have hated.
I have known pain.
So I am stronger.
Time is ticking.
Time to get to work.
Earn it.
Deserve it.
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