I felt nothing for you after you revealed our whole past to a stranger. How could you. Why would you expose all our follies, our happiness to a stranger. What is he to you. Is what we have so fickle, of so little importance that you can throw it away in a mere email/chat? Our time together, our little treasure box, opened up to a complete stranger. Who is he to judge. What right does he have.
"He is a completely new source that will disappear after the summer. I needed him to talk to. I needed to tell someone." I understand your need for perspective. I understand you think he will be out of your life after summer. Naive. "I don't trust people easily." Yet you are open like a book to him. Anything he wants to know you will tell him. After only three weeks. You have come to trust him implicitly. You would tell your deepest secrets to this man of three weeks.
I cannot contemplate that.
I cannot understand.
Why have you done this to me.
I can't even comprehend how to put my emotions into words; yet I must try.
Maybe I'm too Chinese. There is a saying, "You keep all your family feuds, secrets, traitorous lies within the family. They are humiliating and embarrassing, but they are ours. Do not give ammunition to our neighbors to ridicule us. Do not give them a position of power, a position of scorn. Why should they laugh at our misfortune. Keep it within the family"
In ancient China, family's often vie for social standing, just as the family members vie for supremacy within the family ladder. It was extremely humiliating for secrets to get out and spread like wild fire throughout the village; losing the family's social standing.
You have humiliated me. When I meet him, I will look into his eyes and he will already be one step ahead of me. He will already be biased. I cannot look unto him with equal eyes.
Our pain and our secrets stay within. I understand your need to talk to someone. Why can it not be a close friend, say Trisha. I'm sure you've already told many of your friends about me and my follies. Why not go to them for help. Why would you expose me to a complete stranger, who has no right in our business.
"for the sake of explaining the feelings he had to me, and our friendship/sexual power balance"
I'm not even sure this fully describes what I feel.
Nevertheless I feel nothing for you. You have betrayed me in a sense I cannot fully explain. Betrayed me to a stranger who loves you, can take you away from me, can fulfill your dreams because he is next to you.
Embrace the darkness Wilson. It is loneliness that is your only friend now.
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