Cid Meier's Civilization 5 Mongol Scenario Deity (Hardest) Mode

Since I devoted one whole day to beating this hellish scenario, I felt I need to write a reminder to myself about how fun and stupid and a waste of time this game was.

Mongol Scenario.

You play as Genghis Khan, leader of the Mongols. In 100 turns, replicate the Mongol invasion throughout Asia and Eastern Europe. If you fail to meet the objectives in 100 turns, you lose. On deity mode, I had to conquer every major civilization and cover the entire map, if I was to win. On lower difficulties you only have to conquer 5 or 6 civilizations and you acheive victory. Not so on deity, its Kill, Burn, Pillage, Raze! Them all or lose. The Civilizations were Jin Dynasty (N. china), Song Dynasty (S. China), Persia, Arabia, India, Japan, Russia, Byzantium (Constantinople).

You start off roughly where Mongolia would be on the map, with one keshik (horseman archer), and 4 horseman (melee horse), and 2 workers (for improving tiles). With these units you are out to conquer the world.

Game plan (as posted on civ forums):

1. Send one horse down to meet Western Xia/Jin, trade 3 horse/open borders for roughly 140 gold then DOW (declaration of war) Jin. Put both workers on trade posts.

2. Immediately upgrade 2 horseman to keshiks and send them West towards Ughyr. Furthest east horse send directly towards Ughyr then Almaty for god bonus of (30/15).

3. Horse that met W. Xia/Jin send towards Lhasa then China for gold. Rest of units stomp Ughyr flat. When city state has fallen, get cultural bonus in combat experience and professional army (+1.5 exp/ lower cost of upgrading units)

4. Horse that took Ughyr (low hp) send it West towards Persia/Arabia/Russia/Byzantium/Indian scout, to scout the map and get research agreements later.

5. Rest of units come back to stomp Western Xia for 2 horse. Capital should be producing non stop horseman for upgrading into Keshiks. One worker start road to Beijing. Other worker chop down trees to speed up production of horse.

6. Stomp W. Xia, then stomp Xian, Jin and Song should be at war with one another now.

7. Attack Bejing for Great wall. Then take out Kaifeng which should be weakened by Song China.

8. Trade Xian to Song for 1000 bonus (could do it earlier for luxuries for happiness). Heal up units. Use gold for RA (research) with Arabia and India. Arabia attacks Byzantium. Indian no one touches.

9. Trade for rest of Song gold, then DOW them and take back Xian with 3 keshik/one horse. Another 3 keshik/1 horse takes out XiangYang. Make peace with Jin and take him out later when your tech catches up for the free tech bonus.

10. Army that took out Xian continues onto Chengdu. Army that took out Xiang continue towards Guangzhou and then Huangzhou.

11. By this time you should have 3 generals. One for each army, and one for reserve. Do not make peace with Song China- they get exponentially stronger. Take her out with both armies.

12. Song China has fallen, buy courthouses for happiness and start pumping out scouts and pikemen. Garrison scouts for +1 happiness. Pikemen are for upgrading into rifleman when you get the upgrade. Use that saved up general for golden age production boost.

13. Eastern army that took out HuangZhou go take out Jin then Korea then Japan.

14. Western army heads towards Persia. and rest of Europe

15. Your keshiks should be upgraded and killing cities like a Boss. Keep trading excess luxuries to Arabia for gold/other luxuries for happiness. When Arabia stomps Byzantium, then makes peace, you get a cut of the gold from teh peace treaty.

16. Stomp your way through Persia, while making backup horseman in capital.

17. Build courthouses whenever you get above 10 unhappiness.

18. When Persia has fallen, so has Jin/Korea, and you should be attacking Japan. You should have rifleman, or close to it.

19. Rest of game is trudged through Arabia/Byzantium/Russia with Western Army while Easter Army takes out Japan (4 rifles 2 fully upgraded keshiks)

20. I sent 2 upgraded keshiks into India along with money bought lancers/rifleman to take out India. If you did it right, your Eastern army should have stomped Japan by Turn 33 and come back to help take out India.

Hope it helps.

Lol...what a pointless rant.

Fun point of this long ass scenario. The more cities/population you have the more unhappy your empire becomes. You have to build circus/Colosseum/theaters to keep them happy. If you took a city by attrition, you have to buy a courthouse to legalize the city and make them happy. Since you're the mongols, all your cities are won by attrition and you can't keep your empire happy without razing some cities. When you raze/burn a city theres these little sad/cryign ghost faces that pop up moaning as you burn the city. Hey, I'm the god damn Mongols, what do you expect- if your city is useless (no luxuries like gems/gold/siver/silk/spices) I'm burning your ass.

By the end of the game, the whole map was covered in red dots representing all the conquered cities.

Note to self: if you play this again, burn MORE CITIES,

Descent Into Darkness.

Rage.

There is a difference between holding an advantage and victory. The advantage gives you a slight edge over your opponent and gives you a greater potential towards victory. But, if this advantage is prematurely used, if it is rushed, or disregarded completely- it is worse than having no advantage at all. Your opponent can abuse your advantage for his own gains.

Fear.

Beginning stages of fear are irritation and slight self doubt. You begin to lose confidence. Your actions are unsure. You believe you are still in the game, but a seed of darkness is growing. At this point you stand at a crossroads. Destroy the seed of darkness or be ensnared by it and watch it grow.

Despair.

You are completely unsure. Your actions hold no rational meaning. No matter what you do, it backfires. Fear has completely overtaken you. You can no longer formulate a plan. You are at the mercy of your opponent.

Shield.

What is this shield. If you have embraced death. If you have thrown away all advantages. If you have complete disregard for your own life, what is there left to fear. Death = fear. The ultimate transaction. Greet death as an old friend, embrace the child known as fear. You are unbreakable, your confidence is unwavering, your mind sublime. Ye, who conquered death, knows no fear. You who stare into his face every moment - can now unlock your potential. It is either do or die. Which path do you take.

Seriously?

Seriously? My chest hurts? Wtf. Am I really that insecure and care that much.

Calm the fuck down. Stop caring. Stop feeling so vulnerable. Regrow that outer crab shell.

Never again- do not reveal your inner self, how scared you are how vulnerable you are. Do that when you have all your shit in order, so you can handle additional blows.

Anger.

I will kill him.

I miss her.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.

Why does it hurt.

Why do I care.

What have I done to deserve her love?

In many ways I destroyed it.

So why do I care anymore- I deserve this don't I? Everything I've done has been wrought by my own hands. The pain, the agony, the loneliness. Sure I can keep around the people I've wronged and forgiven me, but to what end? Every time I look at them I will be reminded of my failure, see the judgement in their eyes.

I think I'm done caring.

Thank you for your love and your support. But I would rather lose you forever and start a clean slate, then to suffer endless longing and caring.

When you read this, a small part of you will try to save me.

But I know that a large part of you has already moved on. We are no longer close. We do not truly know one another like we did so long ago. You are able to befriend and love others and form deeper connections with them than you can with me. Our connections are old and stale. I get maybe 7 weeks out of the year where I can create new memories with you. It is not enough. You need more, you need to live.

I still need you of course. You are my only friend. But in a way, you are also my biggest burden.

I do not know if I was your best friend, if I was your true love. I would like to think it is true, but frankly I don't really think it matters at this point. When I look upon you it is with part joy and love, and part dread and longing. I have you, yet I don't have you.

You are resilient and strong- you will move on and find someone else and he will make you happy endlessly.

When the summer ends, I will visit you. I will hold you in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me. I will hug you. I will kiss you. And I will tell you I love you. Then you will depart on wings of ionized carbon into the horizon and I will stare into the beautiful blue sky and tell myself she is gone. I will tell myself that we shared something special. But it wasn't meant to be- not now. Maybe never. There will be a kernel of hope lodged deep in my heart for us. But I will not force it. Maybe I even want to forget it. But it will be there, for the future.

When you read this, don't think too deeply about it. I'm still your friend. I still love and care about you. I just wanted to tell you how much it hurts to see you live your life and I'm not beside you. To see how you are able to form deeper connections than you can with me (because I suck and I'm a miserable person). Just know that when you go back to school, I will stop thinking about you. I will live my life and try and keep my promise, so your faith in me won't be wasted.

This was our agreement was it not? We are just dating. We can see other people.

But the pain.

When this summer ends.

You will be

Free.

If you are my love.

You're my first.

Will you be my last.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJH-hRzx6UY&feature=related

Do Not Sabotage Yourself.

Do not ask.

Just ignore that voice.

You trust her.

You believe her.

She is safe.

Nothing bad will happen to her.

So ignore the guy.

He will probably hug her, and touch her.

Deal with it.

Do not ask.

It will all be over soon.

As long as she is unharmed and happy, what do you care.

Ignore.

Concentrate.

Your life > hers.

Thank you

Thank you for spending time for me.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for making this the best birthday ever. (Heh, you even made me cry on my birthday)

After I left you, I was in tears for half an hour.

I stand by my revelation before.

You will move on.

I will be waiting.

Everything and anything can happen, but I will stay true to you.

Nothing will break my love for you.

Loyalty.

What is it.

Maybe it will test me again, but next time I won't bitch.

I won't complain, but will you realize I still love you?

I will chase you till I can't anymore, then I will wish you the best.

I love you.

Why

Why do you treat people close to you like this. You've been through this before. Stop making the same mistakes. Why keep pushing them away. Do you like being lonely? Stupid Szeto. Idiot Szeto. You want those names to be true?

What are you.

What's your identity.

At this point it doesn't matter.

Chase her.

Follow your light.

She will fill your heart as you work hard and strive for her as a goal.

She will always be more perfect than you, so why pick on her for her faults...so you can feel better about yourself?

Stupid.

Better yourself first before you yell at the only person who loves you.

Fool.

You Fool. You couldn't hold it in for a month? You had to ruin it right before your birthday. Do you even want her in your life. Stop sabotaging yourself.

workout

4 flights of stairs- each 15 steps or more at a steeper incline than normal.

3 flights down, 1 flight up to reach new apartment.

return trip

more boxes.

more than 20 total trips.

clean

wash

vacuum

body know whats up- gave me a splitting headache/shower of sweat after 4 trips.

ben came

pushed me to keep going

body adapted

headache gone

pant pant

chemicals for cleaning...dislike

Her face shined like a sun, a beacon of hope that lit my heart, turning inward i would find her fire, and it would give me strength.

you are my light.

Sun

Growing up you can lose a lot and your heart goes hollow

But if you got things you don't want to lose, they become a light to follow

Liana, Sam.

Thank you Sam for agreeing to meet me for lunch.

Even though we were never friends, we still had much to discuss.

I didn't know how I would react when I saw you.

Thank you for putting my demons to rest.

I felt nothing towards you- this pretty, talkative girl.

All I felt was calm, and concern when I heard about the direction your life was heading (linguistics major with no future?)

No attraction.

I was sincerely afraid that I would still have feelings for you. You have persistently haunted my thoughts for at least 1/3 of my life. But seeing your face again, hearing your voice again, I felt nothing. It made me wonder why I liked you so much. Maybe it was adolescent infatuation- the sly glances, the noncommittal snatches of conversation. We never did sit down and talk as real people, real friends should. It was all just in our heads. Thank you for putting those ghosts to rest.

While talking to you, hearing about your life- all I could think about was how pretty Liana is, how wonderful she is; how much I love her. How she is so much more alive. Liana grabbed life by the balls and is having the time of her life. She suffers, she cries- but she pushes through. She works her sexy butt off because she knows there is a silver lining- there is fun and hope in the end. Her hope, her strength has never wavered. She believes in herself, she believes in people. She trusts them, and they reward her honesty and her trust. She is living.

What happened Sam?

Why did you throw your life away?

Why did you throw your potential away?

Why did you waste one year in CS, only to find out that it was hard and give up. (yes i know you started hating it, that it wasn't interesting- but that happens with every major, you just have to keep chugging alone).

Why did you spurn Tony and his help?

Do you not know how much Tony loved you- how much he wanted to talk to you, to help you, to be a part of your life?

It's all over now, you will graduate in December- and a new chapter in your life will start.

I hope you pull yourself up, find a good job- maybe go to grad school- and find that special someone.

I'm a hypocrite yes. I have trust issues. I naturally view everyone as an enemy. I don't think people will ever pull through for me. Maybe it was easier for me to be distant from everyone. To never really involve myself in my friends. Just wander from group to group, leeching enough interaction to stay satisfied. Never fulling trusting, never fully trusted.

That isn't living.

I don't want that anymore.

A special girl showed that to me. The power of love, hope and forgiveness. I can never repay her for her kindness. So I will live. I won't let her hope for me be wasted. I will expose my heart, my soul to the world. Some will judge it and find it unworthy. But I hope some will find its touch- and join with me- and produce happy stories. I will open my heart- I will give up everything I have. All the barriers of lies, deceit, and mistrust. All those walls. I tear you down. I will give my self to the world, and hope it responds in kind. Even through failures, I will keep on chugging. Because one person showed me the way. It is worth it to brave through all the evil, all the indecency in this world- just to find someone you can call a friend. Even when she is gone, and is nothing but a memory, I will remember her. As my savior. As the person who was so pure, so trusting, that she can pull the darkness out of me- envelop me in her arms of light and tell me that its going to be alright, that I can learn to trust and love again.

Thank you Liana Lo. I will always love you.

(I am crying, even now I try to stop myself, thinking it is weak, and shameful. NO. This is love. This is hope. These are tears of repent. Tears of a new life. A new start. Let the tears flow)

Artemis Enterri:

You are a fictional character in the world of Icewind Dale. You are the polar opposite of Drizzit Do'urden- the dark elf. You who faced the cutthroat, bloodthirsty streets of Calimport, and emerged victorious- as the most lethal, ruthless, evil, efficient assassin. You, who spent 40 years of your life honing your skills of death and deceit. You believed yourself to be evil, to be selfish. That nothing can touch you. Then you met the dark elf ranger- who was so good, so full of compassion. He changed you. You don't know what you have been doing with your whole life. All those assassinations, all those unneeded deaths. For what? For survival? For gold? For prestige.

So now you face me and tell me. "I was young and angry. I wanted wealth and power. So I chose the quickest path. But now I am old, and I'm not as anxious, not as fiery as before. Time has dulled my quickfire. Time has taught me patience."

You use your 4 decades of lethal skills to build civilization again. You build a house from the dirt, and you save the poor from the wealthy. You teach defense to the weak, and humbleness to the strong.

You turn to me again, "I will never understand why the poor stay poor. They all blame it on circumstance, on God, on their parents, on society. I look upon them with pity. As long as a man tries, as long as he isn't lazy, he will get what he desires. Nothing in life that is worth having is easy."

So Artemis Enterri- homeless boy ruffian- self-risen assassin and now respected mayor- I salute you. And to you Drizzit Do'urden, I salute you- for your love, your compassion and self sacrifice- for your endless hope to change others and save them from themselves.

To you both, I give my thanks, for guiding me- for your words of wisdom. I turned a deaf ear, till now. But now a real life person had given voice to your words.

Liana Lo.

I am young.

I am foolish.

I am unworthy.

Thank you for saving me.

I probably still need you, but I believe I am strong enough to stand on my own.

So fly away little bird.

Fly away and spread your song of hope, trust and love to others.

Bring peace and joy to this world, and warm the heart fires of those around you.

I will always love and remember you.

But you are free.

Time.

The young make mistakes.

They learn.

I have been educated.

I have been saved.

I have loved.

I have hated.

I have known pain.

So I am stronger.

Time is ticking.

Time to get to work.

Earn it.

Deserve it.

Cute.

I love how cute you are. I love how round your face gets when you smile and your eyes light up. I love how you put your fists up to your face like a baby and you're crying or wiggling. I want to hold that smile forever in my heart. The twinkle in your eyes.

Homeless for a Night

I remember when I started this blog. I started it to record memories for her, and for myself; because I forget sometimes and she got sad. (Wow, that was the worst sentence I have ever typed. Engrish fail) I realize this blog is only about her and us; so I have decided to rename this blog. I will secretly call it 爱.

Homeless for a night.

It was funny how that night came about.

As with all my failures, it started with stupid decisions and bad timing on my part.

I failed to book my plane tickets in time, because I didn't know when I would be leaving. As a result, I booked a greyhound print at home ticket- nonrefundable. -_-, 2 hours later, my cousin tells me I should visit her in Davis. So there I was, stuck with a Greyhound ticket that arrives in SF at midnight, and an extra 20 bucks to amtrak to Davis. If I was smarter and better planned, I would have a Greyhound/Amtrak ticket that departed San Diego at 10 p.m., and arrive in Davis in the morning- with me fully rested and happy.

Instead, I spent the morning of departure rushing around, tying up lose ends. The kitchen is still not clean, my room is messy- I forgot to pack shorts/swim trunks. Then the Wells Fargo printer refused to give me my cashier's check, and I spent half an hour standing there trying to smile at the lady as they fixed the problem.

Rushed to pay the lease, then rushed to gather my stuff and catch a bus downtown.

There were two bus lines that travel to downtown. The 30, and the 150. The 30 comes every ten minutes but is a hellish 2 hour trip to downtown. The 150 comes once every 25 mins (reality is one hour), and takes a highway approach towards downtown. So I sat there baking in the sun waiting on the nonexistent 150, as every other bus line passed me at least twice. Even saw the same bus driver twice.

I get on the 150 at 12 noon, when my bus departs at 1:15.

Thankfully, there no problems enroute, and I made it to the Greyhound station by 12 30.

Love

Hello love. I'm high right now and I played couple games of beer pong. My eyelids are really heavy right now.

I love you.

I love you so much.

Hahaha.

Do you remember my clearest memory. It was in the botanical gardens and there were butterflies. And you were all smily and holding my hand and being so cute and so sexy.

Hahaha...younger days.

I love you so much.

I always want o hug you and hold yo hand.

hehehe..

shelbee: "not a good idea"

me: "stop saying that"

shelbee: "stop typing"

me: "shhh...
shelbee: "ok..im going to take this away now, before you type somethign stupid you will regret."

Lol- well, this doesn't sound so bad.

I guess I'll post it so you can see.

All alone and Scared.

Where are you. I'm sitting alone and empty staring into the void.

Now I know how you feel when I don't pick up your phone.

I think I'm more worried about you and your hair fiasco than I am about my own safety. Love is strange.

Thank You

Crying.

Thank you Mexican lady for your gentles eyes and napkin.

Thank you for not a single word.

Back to the Future.

Dear future Wilson Szeto,

I know you probably won't have changed much in the intervening years. But hopefully you got your shitty life back on track, and became a self sustained individual. Hopefully you have made and maintained a few meaningful relationships and are not living in total loneliness and despair. Maybe your dream of the Apple Pie life is even within reach, but I highly doubt that- and here is my advice for you.

When the time comes when you think you are ready to hurt another girl. Stop. Think. Plan. Ask yourself if you foresee a future with said girl. Do you see yourself treating her better than anyone else. Do you believe you are worthy of her. Are you able to be responsible and provide for her. Are you able to give her everything she asks for. Are you able to give up everything for her. Will you be able to forge a bond with her that can weather all hardship and stand the test of time. Do you see yourself staying faithful. If she asks you to change, will you be able to do it for her?

If the answer to any of those questions is a no, I want you to slap yourself, and let the girl go free. You don't deserve her. She doesn't need your stupidity, foolishness and neglect. She doesn't need all the tears and misery you will bring her. It is getting late in life. No one will put up with your bullshit. If all you have your paltry "I love you", don't even think about love. Your affection won't hold up to a hungry stomach, a life of hard work. Hell, even your affection won't hold for long- you will neglect her and mistreat her eventually.

But if you say you have changed. If you are successful. If you know you can make her happy forever, then I am sorry for everything I have said. Then I hope you seize the opportunity for happiness and share the fruit of joy with another special person.

So Close.

Victory Into Defeat.

All I know is that she won't read this till after this weekend is done. Maybe she never even read all my blog posts.

But I love her.

I love her so much.

Good bye, my love.

I am truly sorry.

Almost.

I miss her.

Dinosaur.

I was the king of the jungle.

Everyone knew me.

Then I grew up.

And he faded into the shadows.

Don't lose your dinosaur.

Sit the Fuck down.

Paper.

Stares.

What is this, I don't even..

Finishes in half of allotted time.

Freedom.

Celebrate..Library.

Valar Morghulis

What do we say to the Lord of Death?

Valar Morghulis.

Monster.

I let my heart go, it's somewhere at the bottom.

But I'll get a new one.

Come back for the hope you've stolen.

I'll stop the whole world.

I'll stop the whole world.

I want to stop the whole world from turning into a monster.

Even if that's a lie.

Don't you ever wondered how we survived?

(To save the world I need to do it step by step. First my family, then my friends, then myself, and finally the whole world)

Because I'm too much of a coward to save myself first. It is easier to save others from themselves and act the hypocrite while doing it.

Peace

I want you to know pain.

I want you to feel pain.

I want you to accept pain.

For those who don't know pain.

Can truly never understand one another.

Can never have true peace.

Om ma ni ba mi hong.

Peace to those who seek redemption.

Need to stop.

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* roll the mouse over a word to see the english translation.

Informations

作词：　孙仪
作曲：　汤尼

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Stop

Stop.

Fking.

Crying.

Fking.

Study.

Sabotage.

Brain will you give it a rest.

Heart has stopped already.

It is your turn.

Stop sabotaging me.

Let me rest.

Sincerely, the eyes and the soul.

Sigh.

Really want to talk to her.

"About what?"

Anything, nothing.

"So you have nothing to talk about."

...

"Go study you fool"

Tears.

Tears. Forcing myself to cry. It feels better afterwards.

Ender.

"They were good honest men. Even when they were hated and despised. Even when they lied through their kushaks. They loved you children. They did all they could without compromising themselves."

Success.

Then why does it hurt.

It is going too well.

I can't sleep.

The path is set out.

The road is built of ice.

It is crystal clear.

Straight as an arrow.

It is growing under my guiding hands.

Each step brings it closer.

Then why does it hurt.

Why do I hate it.

Make it stop.

Pain.

My deliverance.

My curse.

Our salvation.

Why.

What are you.

Why do you persist with me.

I know you have better options.

While it is true I have been tortured the past few days, but it is all of my own making, logically I deserved it.

And now you have forgiven me for everything. The pain has stopped, for a while.

I cannot deal with my conscience anymore. In my eyes I am unforgivable, yet you give me chances time and time again.

I am no longer jealous or spiteful, I have put the incident behind me.

I will do what must be done. I will set the little bird free.

Jaded Lens

Everything I have said is what I felt. But if it makes you feel better to ignore it than by all means do so. If it would our relationship by all means do so.

I understand I might be over reacting, and he didn't even kiss you on the mouth so why should I care. Maybe I'm just jealous you have this special friend who is so in touch with you. I've lost two of those. Sale. Sarah. Jesus maybe I'm attached to S names. Hah. Of course his real name is Clarence.

Maybe I'm afraid of losing you.

But I doubt I can fall any more from grace than I already have. Unless this Stephen does something unbelievably awesome, and I'm put out of your mind completely.

I guess I'm just a lonely, sad kid, and his only blankie is being taken away from him. And he screams: "NO what are you doing with it! NO DONT GIVE IT TO THAT KID! ITS MINE! MINE BLANKIE! NOOOOO"

Its no big deal really. Even though when I close my eyes I picture you two kissing, and doing nasty things to each other. How do I know those images didn't come to pass? I've passed through chains of experienced liars. But you're not a lying type. I know you. Or do I? You're not the same girl I met 2 years ago. You can enrapture a white guy. You can order an impromptu Vegas trip. This girl lives life. She is strong willed and confident and her smile lights up a room. Who are you? Are you me? Did I build you to this state only to lose complete knowledge of who you are?

Are you capable of deceit and lies now? Or are you still the same?

What do I believe.

"When the lie is told enough it is believed, and the truth is wiped into the ashes of history"

I believe you are still the same sweet girl I met. I believe you are telling me the truth. I believe you still want to give me a chance. I believe you still love me. (Then why do nasty images still come to my mind)

I believe you want to be happy, to be youthful. I believe you want to do crazy stuff. I believe I am blocking your way.

Trust.

Why do you still love me.

You were never able to answer that.

I believe the answers lies in our past, not in our present, not in our future.

Maybe it is time for just that; to set our memories in the past and move on.

But I will wait and hope and trust.

Calm.

There are still mild qualms of emotion/pain/caring emanating from deep within. But most of all I feel calm. I feel nothing.

Ironic.

If I was to talk to you again, the pain will resurface. The emotions will come bubbling up at the injustice of it all. Rationally speaking, I understand it was my neglectful actions that pushed you away, that it was my fault that there was a chink in armor that let Stephen through. A giant chink.

But when I talk to you, I just want to shout WHY. Why, How could you do this to me. And what explanation can you give me that I don't already know, that would make me feel better? There is no answer. I'm shouting WHY to the darkness, to an empty void. How can she betray me. WHY

She would answer, but I still love you. I don't want him, I want you. Is that not good enough? I chose you.

To which I will reply with a silent echo: WHY.

It will never be answered.

Only time will heal me of this betrayal.

(yes this isn't rational, and no I cannot help it)

Embrace the darkness.

Cold. Nothing. Void. Space. Dark.

I felt nothing for you after you revealed our whole past to a stranger. How could you. Why would you expose all our follies, our happiness to a stranger. What is he to you. Is what we have so fickle, of so little importance that you can throw it away in a mere email/chat? Our time together, our little treasure box, opened up to a complete stranger. Who is he to judge. What right does he have.

"He is a completely new source that will disappear after the summer. I needed him to talk to. I needed to tell someone." I understand your need for perspective. I understand you think he will be out of your life after summer. Naive. "I don't trust people easily." Yet you are open like a book to him. Anything he wants to know you will tell him. After only three weeks. You have come to trust him implicitly. You would tell your deepest secrets to this man of three weeks.

I cannot contemplate that.

I cannot understand.

Why have you done this to me.

I can't even comprehend how to put my emotions into words; yet I must try.

Maybe I'm too Chinese. There is a saying, "You keep all your family feuds, secrets, traitorous lies within the family. They are humiliating and embarrassing, but they are ours. Do not give ammunition to our neighbors to ridicule us. Do not give them a position of power, a position of scorn. Why should they laugh at our misfortune. Keep it within the family"

In ancient China, family's often vie for social standing, just as the family members vie for supremacy within the family ladder. It was extremely humiliating for secrets to get out and spread like wild fire throughout the village; losing the family's social standing.

You have humiliated me. When I meet him, I will look into his eyes and he will already be one step ahead of me. He will already be biased. I cannot look unto him with equal eyes.

Our pain and our secrets stay within. I understand your need to talk to someone. Why can it not be a close friend, say Trisha. I'm sure you've already told many of your friends about me and my follies. Why not go to them for help. Why would you expose me to a complete stranger, who has no right in our business.

"for the sake of explaining the feelings he had to me, and our friendship/sexual power balance"

I'm not even sure this fully describes what I feel.

Nevertheless I feel nothing for you. You have betrayed me in a sense I cannot fully explain. Betrayed me to a stranger who loves you, can take you away from me, can fulfill your dreams because he is next to you.

Embrace the darkness Wilson. It is loneliness that is your only friend now.

stop it

I don't want to hear anymore about this Steven. I don't want to hear about how romantic he is, how like me he is. I don't want to compare. You can't contemplate how much it hurts. Did you forget our past? Did you forget what I've done for you? It's okay if you don't because I don't remember much anyways. Staring through a jaded glass into the past I wonder. Did you just need a change of scenery, some one else with a sob story and interesting tales?

Will you come back?

Stop it. Of course this is your blog and you can type what memories you want to hold in those digital pages. I can't stop you.

Can't Stand it

It was just a kiss. Nothing more, you ended it before it began, and reverted back to friendship. How do I know its not all lies?

Why does it hurt so. Why do I stay awake for nights quivering with anger and emotion, losing valuable sleep. Why do I wake up to a strained chest and sore muscles, still tight with anger. Why do I care. Is it the thought of losing you that aroused my jealousy and woke me up from this sham of a relationship we have? Is this love?

While I stew in my own turmoil, you enjoy Vegas and youth and even share the same bed with him. How do I know nothing happened? How can I believe you.

Not one apology from you this whole time. You wanted it.

I remember our contract made 2 years ago. This will be all a fling and you can move on at any time and I will step aside. I was a callous selfish individual. I believed I would find someone better and just push you aside. I was wrong. My morals prevented me from doing so even when there were girls throwing themselves at me and tousling my hair. I didn't want to break you, didn't want to see you hurt. And now I have done exactly that; to myself. My actions of neglect pushed you away; my own selfishness pushed you away. Maybe it is better this way. She can drift away without any of the emotional baggage. I will carry all of it myself. The hate, the anger, the pain. For both of us. Because my actions made it so, I deserve it. I believe that.

I raise my glass in a toast. To my callous selfish neglectful self. To pain and suffering. To hate and envy and maturity. To love and youth.

I sowed the seeds of destruction through my own actions, I will reap the awards of pain and loneliness. I will take this burden unto myself and let her live free and happy. She deserves better after all.

Forgiveness

It was my fault. And he never let it go.

He should have.

You don't know what I did.

Doesn't matter.

What you mean it doesn't matte...

I mean at the end of the day you two are family. Life is short, and ours are shorter than most. And when my ends, I just want you guys to know...we're good. Blanket apology for all the crap anyone's done, all the way around.

Some of us have pulled a lot of crap..

Clean slate.

I love you, I will always forgive you, be there for you. You are my family.