Why.

What are you.

Why do you persist with me.

I know you have better options.

While it is true I have been tortured the past few days, but it is all of my own making, logically I deserved it.

And now you have forgiven me for everything. The pain has stopped, for a while.

I cannot deal with my conscience anymore. In my eyes I am unforgivable, yet you give me chances time and time again.

I am no longer jealous or spiteful, I have put the incident behind me.

I will do what must be done. I will set the little bird free.

Jaded Lens

Everything I have said is what I felt. But if it makes you feel better to ignore it than by all means do so. If it would our relationship by all means do so.

I understand I might be over reacting, and he didn't even kiss you on the mouth so why should I care. Maybe I'm just jealous you have this special friend who is so in touch with you. I've lost two of those. Sale. Sarah. Jesus maybe I'm attached to S names. Hah. Of course his real name is Clarence.

Maybe I'm afraid of losing you.

But I doubt I can fall any more from grace than I already have. Unless this Stephen does something unbelievably awesome, and I'm put out of your mind completely.

I guess I'm just a lonely, sad kid, and his only blankie is being taken away from him. And he screams: "NO what are you doing with it! NO DONT GIVE IT TO THAT KID! ITS MINE! MINE BLANKIE! NOOOOO"

Its no big deal really. Even though when I close my eyes I picture you two kissing, and doing nasty things to each other. How do I know those images didn't come to pass? I've passed through chains of experienced liars. But you're not a lying type. I know you. Or do I? You're not the same girl I met 2 years ago. You can enrapture a white guy. You can order an impromptu Vegas trip. This girl lives life. She is strong willed and confident and her smile lights up a room. Who are you? Are you me? Did I build you to this state only to lose complete knowledge of who you are?

Are you capable of deceit and lies now? Or are you still the same?

What do I believe.

"When the lie is told enough it is believed, and the truth is wiped into the ashes of history"

I believe you are still the same sweet girl I met. I believe you are telling me the truth. I believe you still want to give me a chance. I believe you still love me. (Then why do nasty images still come to my mind)

I believe you want to be happy, to be youthful. I believe you want to do crazy stuff. I believe I am blocking your way.

Trust.

Why do you still love me.

You were never able to answer that.

I believe the answers lies in our past, not in our present, not in our future.

Maybe it is time for just that; to set our memories in the past and move on.

But I will wait and hope and trust.

Calm.

There are still mild qualms of emotion/pain/caring emanating from deep within. But most of all I feel calm. I feel nothing.

Ironic.

If I was to talk to you again, the pain will resurface. The emotions will come bubbling up at the injustice of it all. Rationally speaking, I understand it was my neglectful actions that pushed you away, that it was my fault that there was a chink in armor that let Stephen through. A giant chink.

But when I talk to you, I just want to shout WHY. Why, How could you do this to me. And what explanation can you give me that I don't already know, that would make me feel better? There is no answer. I'm shouting WHY to the darkness, to an empty void. How can she betray me. WHY

She would answer, but I still love you. I don't want him, I want you. Is that not good enough? I chose you.

To which I will reply with a silent echo: WHY.

It will never be answered.

Only time will heal me of this betrayal.

(yes this isn't rational, and no I cannot help it)

Embrace the darkness.

Cold. Nothing. Void. Space. Dark.

I felt nothing for you after you revealed our whole past to a stranger. How could you. Why would you expose all our follies, our happiness to a stranger. What is he to you. Is what we have so fickle, of so little importance that you can throw it away in a mere email/chat? Our time together, our little treasure box, opened up to a complete stranger. Who is he to judge. What right does he have.

"He is a completely new source that will disappear after the summer. I needed him to talk to. I needed to tell someone." I understand your need for perspective. I understand you think he will be out of your life after summer. Naive. "I don't trust people easily." Yet you are open like a book to him. Anything he wants to know you will tell him. After only three weeks. You have come to trust him implicitly. You would tell your deepest secrets to this man of three weeks.

I cannot contemplate that.

I cannot understand.

Why have you done this to me.

I can't even comprehend how to put my emotions into words; yet I must try.

Maybe I'm too Chinese. There is a saying, "You keep all your family feuds, secrets, traitorous lies within the family. They are humiliating and embarrassing, but they are ours. Do not give ammunition to our neighbors to ridicule us. Do not give them a position of power, a position of scorn. Why should they laugh at our misfortune. Keep it within the family"

In ancient China, family's often vie for social standing, just as the family members vie for supremacy within the family ladder. It was extremely humiliating for secrets to get out and spread like wild fire throughout the village; losing the family's social standing.

You have humiliated me. When I meet him, I will look into his eyes and he will already be one step ahead of me. He will already be biased. I cannot look unto him with equal eyes.

Our pain and our secrets stay within. I understand your need to talk to someone. Why can it not be a close friend, say Trisha. I'm sure you've already told many of your friends about me and my follies. Why not go to them for help. Why would you expose me to a complete stranger, who has no right in our business.

"for the sake of explaining the feelings he had to me, and our friendship/sexual power balance"

I'm not even sure this fully describes what I feel.

Nevertheless I feel nothing for you. You have betrayed me in a sense I cannot fully explain. Betrayed me to a stranger who loves you, can take you away from me, can fulfill your dreams because he is next to you.

Embrace the darkness Wilson. It is loneliness that is your only friend now.

stop it

I don't want to hear anymore about this Steven. I don't want to hear about how romantic he is, how like me he is. I don't want to compare. You can't contemplate how much it hurts. Did you forget our past? Did you forget what I've done for you? It's okay if you don't because I don't remember much anyways. Staring through a jaded glass into the past I wonder. Did you just need a change of scenery, some one else with a sob story and interesting tales?

Will you come back?

Stop it. Of course this is your blog and you can type what memories you want to hold in those digital pages. I can't stop you.

Can't Stand it

It was just a kiss. Nothing more, you ended it before it began, and reverted back to friendship. How do I know its not all lies?

Why does it hurt so. Why do I stay awake for nights quivering with anger and emotion, losing valuable sleep. Why do I wake up to a strained chest and sore muscles, still tight with anger. Why do I care. Is it the thought of losing you that aroused my jealousy and woke me up from this sham of a relationship we have? Is this love?

While I stew in my own turmoil, you enjoy Vegas and youth and even share the same bed with him. How do I know nothing happened? How can I believe you.

Not one apology from you this whole time. You wanted it.

I remember our contract made 2 years ago. This will be all a fling and you can move on at any time and I will step aside. I was a callous selfish individual. I believed I would find someone better and just push you aside. I was wrong. My morals prevented me from doing so even when there were girls throwing themselves at me and tousling my hair. I didn't want to break you, didn't want to see you hurt. And now I have done exactly that; to myself. My actions of neglect pushed you away; my own selfishness pushed you away. Maybe it is better this way. She can drift away without any of the emotional baggage. I will carry all of it myself. The hate, the anger, the pain. For both of us. Because my actions made it so, I deserve it. I believe that.

I raise my glass in a toast. To my callous selfish neglectful self. To pain and suffering. To hate and envy and maturity. To love and youth.

I sowed the seeds of destruction through my own actions, I will reap the awards of pain and loneliness. I will take this burden unto myself and let her live free and happy. She deserves better after all.

Forgiveness

It was my fault. And he never let it go.

He should have.

You don't know what I did.

Doesn't matter.

What you mean it doesn't matte...

I mean at the end of the day you two are family. Life is short, and ours are shorter than most. And when my ends, I just want you guys to know...we're good. Blanket apology for all the crap anyone's done, all the way around.

Some of us have pulled a lot of crap..

Clean slate.

I love you, I will always forgive you, be there for you. You are my family.