stop it

I don't want to hear anymore about this Steven. I don't want to hear about how romantic he is, how like me he is. I don't want to compare. You can't contemplate how much it hurts. Did you forget our past? Did you forget what I've done for you? It's okay if you don't because I don't remember much anyways. Staring through a jaded glass into the past I wonder. Did you just need a change of scenery, some one else with a sob story and interesting tales?

Will you come back?

Stop it. Of course this is your blog and you can type what memories you want to hold in those digital pages. I can't stop you.

Can't Stand it

It was just a kiss. Nothing more, you ended it before it began, and reverted back to friendship. How do I know its not all lies?

Why does it hurt so. Why do I stay awake for nights quivering with anger and emotion, losing valuable sleep. Why do I wake up to a strained chest and sore muscles, still tight with anger. Why do I care. Is it the thought of losing you that aroused my jealousy and woke me up from this sham of a relationship we have? Is this love?

While I stew in my own turmoil, you enjoy Vegas and youth and even share the same bed with him. How do I know nothing happened? How can I believe you.

Not one apology from you this whole time. You wanted it.

I remember our contract made 2 years ago. This will be all a fling and you can move on at any time and I will step aside. I was a callous selfish individual. I believed I would find someone better and just push you aside. I was wrong. My morals prevented me from doing so even when there were girls throwing themselves at me and tousling my hair. I didn't want to break you, didn't want to see you hurt. And now I have done exactly that; to myself. My actions of neglect pushed you away; my own selfishness pushed you away. Maybe it is better this way. She can drift away without any of the emotional baggage. I will carry all of it myself. The hate, the anger, the pain. For both of us. Because my actions made it so, I deserve it. I believe that.

I raise my glass in a toast. To my callous selfish neglectful self. To pain and suffering. To hate and envy and maturity. To love and youth.

I sowed the seeds of destruction through my own actions, I will reap the awards of pain and loneliness. I will take this burden unto myself and let her live free and happy. She deserves better after all.